Children, cover your ears.
What the fuck is happening to this city? It used to have character. Now it has boutique shops [for kids]*. It used to have [rail riding]*. Now it has Taxi-motherfucking-TV. It used to stand for something. And now it has “If you see something, say something.”
Well, so then I’d like to say something about the premiere civil rights issue of our time. You got it, smokers’ rights. [Holds up sign seen above.] This is bullshit. Fascist bullshit. Why would you outlaw smoking in the one place there’s adequate ventilation? We need the degenerate smokers. Otherwise, what would you hold the moral standard up to? What would there be to be self-righteous about?
And you can’t smell smoke anymore, but I have to still smell your motherfucking barbecue. “Oh, Nellie, it’s really the same thing. You don’t think people should eat meat, and I don’t think people should smoke, so it’s the same thing.” Nooo, it’s not the same thing.
[She acts out the brief, but horrific life, of a factory farm chicken, causing equal parts uproarious laughter and awkward silence in the audience, and piercingly compares its brutality to someone smelling cigarette smoke in the park.]
Smokers, I urge you: civil obedience. And if you don’t like cigarettes, I think we can understand. Just remember that if you smell tobacco, you can always say, “Excuse me, I prefer if you use marijuana.”